Thy Will Be Done
by tiberius1
Summary: WARNING There are HBP spoilers in this story. If you have not finished it, don't read this. Severus Snape's thoughts on the events of HBP.


Okay, I absolutely had to run with this theory. Of course it didn't take long after I finished reading to try to figure out that Snape really is not a traitor.

This is Snape's Confession set shortly after he leaves Hogwarts.

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: The characters, the universe, everything is JK Rowling's. I'm just borrowing for a bit because I'm a hopeless believer in redemption and that Dumbledore was not wrong.

I did it. I'm not pleased that I had to. I never wanted to. I asked him, no pleaded with him, to not make me do it. He was adamant that it had to be done and that it had to be me. He told me his reasons. They were good reasons, but I still did not think I could do it. Even now it hurts to think about it.

I knew of the Dark Lord's plan. I did not think it would work. I did not think Malfoy had the strength of will. Neither did his mother, and that's why she pleaded with me to do it if her son could not. Unfortunately, she brought her sister. While Bella and I may have been close at one point, she never forgave me for not joining her and the other "true followers" in Azkaban. She was always blinded to the harsh realities. Subtlety has never been a strong point for her. Those of us that remained free brought the Dark Lord money, political information, things he never would have had if we had been imprisoned.

I was not surprised when Narcissa asked me for an Unbreakable Vow. She has always been very protective of Draco. However, I had not expected her to ask me to carry out the task if Draco could not. The Dark Lord had made it clear that through completing the task, Draco could restore honor to the Malfoy name. My interference could ruin that, but she didn't seem to care. I have no choice but to agree, knowing this task will tear me apart inside. Of course, the Dark Lord had already ordered me to complete the task if Draco could not.

Before the start of term, I told the old man what to expect… How strange? I find I cannot even write his name. I have not been able to speak it since that night… He is unsurprised. He always knew that the Dark Lord saw him as a threat and that for Dark Lord to complete his ascension to power, he must die. By this point, the curse on the Horcrux had already weakened him. I have examined the wound, but there is nothing I can do for him. It pains me to be so helpless.

I digress. He makes plans for the painful eventuality. He reiterates to me that his life is not important. It is Potter that must be protected at all cost. I have always known this and have spent the last five years protecting Potter. The boy, no, he is a young man now, though he is unworthy of that title, is reckless and impetuous. I would almost believe that he thinks himself immortal.

When I told him the details of the Unbreakable Vow, he almost seemed pleased. I did not understand it at the time. I have now come to realize why. He knew that Draco's mother loved him. This is the one emotion the Dark Lord cannot abide. He used that love to save Draco. The young man's soul is still pure, at least for now. Mine is already torn and tattered from the atrocities of my past. He tells me, later, that I must be the one to carry out the mission; that Draco must remain unspoiled.

I argue with him. How can I do what he asks of me? He is the one man in my entire life that has placed faith and trust in me. How can I betray that trust? He tells me that I won't betray it. I am the one that must do this. By doing this, I will cement my place at the Dark Lord's side. I will be able to facilitate the Dark Lord's demise. Without this, there will be those Death Eaters that will question my loyalty. But, by doing so, I will lose everything.

But that doesn't really matter; my life is inconsequential. I should have died years ago. I should have gone to Azkaban with the others. If not for a kindly old man who saw the last tiny shred of humanity, I would have. This is a horrible way to repay what he has done for me over the last two decades. Perhaps losing everything will be repayment enough for what I have done. Probably not.

Several times throughout the year I tried to get him to change his mind. He refused. Even when I insisted that I could not, he insisted I must honor my agreement. I believed his life more important than mine, but he disagreed. Even now, I think it was a poor trade.

Now comes the hard part, the part I have dreaded most. I write this here in the hopes, that one day, someone will read it and believe. My life is forfeit, it always has been. There is no need to clear my name, there is no one left to care. My parents are long dead, though my father's death was not a great loss to civilization. I do this for my soul, what little remains of it. In all likelihood, no one will believe what I have written, but that matters not.

Filius came to my office that fateful night. I knew he would want to help, but I could not risk any more of my colleagues, and knocked him out. I found the meddling Granger and Lovegood outside my office and sent them in to help Filius. Two more I have saved.

I run through the corridors to the Astronomy Tower, knowing that I cannot show my true colors. What are they anymore? It can be so hard to remember. I know the time has come. I must do what I have dreaded. Will I be able to do it? Can I trust Dumbledore that Potter is the key; that Potter alone must survive? I must. After all, he has trusted me with this most vital of tasks, even if no one else will understand.

My colleagues believe I am on their side and let me pass unhindered. Of course they did. They did not know what I was about to do. When I arrive in the open air, I see that it is as the old man predicted, Draco has been unable to complete the mission. The old man appealed to the tiny spark of humanity. I find myself wishing the boy had done as the old man had asked. He would have been safe; he would have redeemed his family. Even so, it would not have stopped me from carrying out my gruesome task.

The others defer to me; they know my status with the Dark Lord. Greyback is the only one of them smart enough to think he might be my equal, but he is also smart enough to defer.

The old man looks at me and calls my name. I hear more than my name in those words, _"You know what must be done."_ I hesitate. Yes, I know what must be done. He has told me, in detail why, but it is still hard. _"I cannot!"_ Stalling for time, I shoved Malfoy out of the way. As I had suspected, the boy could not carry through. The old man had gotten to him.

I finally turn to face him. The others will think he is weak for pleading with me, but I can clearly see that he is already dying and this will be an act of mercy. Again, his eyes say more than his words._"This is the only way."_ I fight my conflicting emotions and the power of the Unbreakable Vow. _"You are like a father to me."_

One last time, he pleads with me. By now the others were surely beginning to suspect that I was no longer a loyal Death Eater. I have seen the second broom. I know that Potter is there; that Potter will witness this. I already knew he would be the one. It was necessary to have a witness, someone to report that I was the one to do this. One last time, I look into the old man's eyes. _"I have already forgiven you Severus. You must do this in order to save them all."_

His words pain me. I hate him for making me do this. He saved my soul, and now he commands me to kill him. How can he forgive me? He saved my life and my soul and now I repay him by killing him? We both knew that with this act there would no longer be any doubt among the Dark Lord's followers that I was loyal. I flourish my wand and cast the curse that will end not one, but two lives.

I know that Potter must be screaming inside, but there is not time to waste. The plan is set in motion, and I alone know the steps for it to succeed. He has saved Draco and now I must keep the boy alive. Though, I do not know that it will matter. Draco failed the Dark Lord, and he has never been very tolerant of failure. But I have given my word to save as many as I can.

I gather the survivors and we flee the castle. I know I will likely never return, but it matters not. I do not expect to survive the war and I will not need my possessions. Perhaps some of them will prove useful to the Order.

I hear Potter following; I knew he would. He has never trusted me, and why should he? I have carefully crafted it over the years so that he would not trust me. No one must know that I did what I did under the old man's orders. If any of them were captured, the Dark Lord would learn that I am not really his man.

I wish that Potter had been detained, that he had not caught up with us. He must survive, but I must not make it look like I let him survive. He is close enough his attacks might be effective. I stop to fight him, giving the others time to get away, to ensure they don't kill him. In this case, his impetuousness helps me. I can see what he is going to do before he can cast a single spell.

I try to teach him one last lesson. I don't know if he understood. This year has been a year of preparation for him. He seems unwilling to learn from me, but in the end, he did try to cast a spell non-verbally. That is a skill he must have. I only hope he took this final lesson to heart. If not, everything I have done will have been in vain.

Then he has the nerve to attempting to cast my spells. _My spells_ that I took so long craft; the spells that were to define me before I joined with the Dark Lord. The spells that Potter, the elder, and his gang stole from me. No, I could not let him do that. I knew he had had of my old Potions book, after all, that had all been carefully orchestrated. When he cast Sectumsemprus on Malfoy, I knew that he had been studying it for more than Potions, as the old man had hoped.

I know he has that book hidden somewhere. I only hope that he will be smart enough to use it. Of course, since I did lose my temper and reveal that it was my book, he may not. It's not something he may decide on his own, but that know-it-all Granger has a keen analytic mind and will hopefully point out the value that book has. Of course, none of them trust me now. Why should they think the book has any value? Hopefully, he has learned enough from it already.

I delayed Potter long enough for the others to escape and prevent the fool from doing something he would regret. I believe he hates me enough now that he would have succeeded in casting an Unforgivable, since the old man was like a father to him as well. Hagrid sent his beast of a dog to attack me, but it was no match for me and I quickly joined my fellow Death Eaters.

Now, I am left alone with my thoughts. The old man believed in me. That is that thought that keeps me going. Without that, I would have no purpose. Someday, I hope the others will learn the truth. For now, I'm sure they think the old man died because he had misplaced his trust in me. Of course, that's what they are meant to think. All I can do is wait. I will gather the information that I was sent for. When the time is right, I will pass it on and hope that the old man's trust in Potter has not been misplaced. I hope that any traits he inherited from his mother will overcome those he received from his father.

For myself, I do not seek redemption. I know that I have achieved it, as did the old man. That is all that matters to me.

My master is calling and I must hide this confession. Remember, Dumbledore was right.

_S.S._


End file.
